Layla: Resurrection

And what a long way she's come...

One year ago tonight I was slumped on my couch, having to use my chin to push buttons on my phone to try to call a friend for help after I snorted a pile of what turned out to be (and this has finally been confirmed, after much confusion) heroin. It was my low point. A disaster of my own making. Two days earlier, I'd conceived a child with a shitbag that I loved, and didn't know it. Two months later, I would have an abortion. All of that was in a past life.

Now I'm good. I'm happy and healthy, on my feet, reading a lot, contemplating anything and everything at all hours of night and day, and trying to get my creativity to kick back in. My one source of stress is lack of income - I work one short day shift a week, and only bring in about $800 a month - that's not good. But with no work history or references, there's not a lot I can do to change that. Hopefully, writing will be my salvation.

If not, at least I'm smiling and have a supportive, caring partner by my side - perhaps the first time in my life I can say that and not be deluding myself.

But, I know by now not to put all of my eggs in one cliched egg basket. Friends and lovers are grand, but they are not everything. Depending on myself, being resourceful, and trusting my instincts are the most important things I can do - I try to always keep that in mind now, after having had so many people who "cared" about me disappear with no goodbye and no return.

There's a fine line between trust and blind faith. Things often fail to turn out the way we plan them, and I finally accept that. When the moment dies, we must trudge on anyway, and find new moments to look back on.

Life has been great to me so far - every part of it. Even the bad was good. Sometimes the worst was the best, in that I actually learned something about myself and the world, and most of all, about human nature as a whole.

Anyway, today there's not much to say - I am heading into the shower to cleanse myself of sleep's residue. Yes, I slept all day - and I probably will tomorrow. But what's so wrong with that?

posted by Layla/Jane (whichever you prefer) @ 4/17/2006 03:53:00 PM